[EGD] Well, I Tried My Hardest

Review by meowmeowfurrycat on Wednesday, August 6th 2014

DISCLAIMER: This review is the product of a mutual bond between the reviewer -- that is, MeowMeowFurryCat -- and the member who made the game being reviewed -- that is, Master106. The aforementioned mutual bond entails that (a) MeowMeowFurryCat must beat the game and give it a rave review, because otherwise (b) Master106 will continue whining about it until he is forced to leave Sploder. However, MeowMeowFurryCat, for reasons detailed below, was, in fact, unable to beat the game (titled The Truth), and now he can only hope that Master106 will not eat him alive.

clears throat

The Truth, by Master106, could be said to have an inappropriate name. By inappropriate, I don�t mean �vulgar� or �s/exually tinged�; I mean that �The Truth� doesn�t quite reflect the gameplay/storyline. Why? Because �Truth� is singular, whereas the actual game contains a shocking TWENTY-FOUR Truths. I should probably back up, though . . .

This might be an appropriate time to point out that I didn�t actually read the intro level, because it was dark and gloomy and plus it seemed like so much extra work to hold down the right arrow key for five seconds that I decided to skip the introduction instead. So I have only a small idea of what the player is attempting to accomplish in The Truth. I can say for sure, though, that over the course of four levels you must collect all twenty-four Truths, in the form of crystals. Six crystals/Truths in each level; each level a different environment. I�m going to give my thoughts on each of these in turn, so that the reader may gain a more accurate description of The Truth.

Forest/Jungle Level

The game begins (or, allowing for the existence of the introduction, simply continues) in a forest, or a jungle, or something with a lot of annoying flora and evil/bleepal/identical fauna. The main thing I disliked about this level was that much of the flora was annoying because it obscured the player from sight. There are, of course, weapons hidden behind plants, but because Blockhead must also be hidden behind a plant when he collects said weapons, much of the time I found myself with a new item and no idea what it was (and then I usually proceeded to blow myself up with that shiny new grenade). There were a couple Truths behind plants, too; it was a good thing I found them accidentally, because otherwise I never would have been able to get them. The last part of this level focuses on luck, but there�s a helpful hint -- sadly, the helpful hint is impossible to read, something Master106 could have figured out if he ACTUALLY TESTED THE GAME. I died.

Robot Castle/Monster Castle/I don�t even know anymore Level

This level was annoying. Was it also fun? Yes, for the most part. I disliked this level because it was so goddam HUGE that it took forever to find the Truth or switch or key that I was looking for. There were a couple of traps, and about now I should start ranting about traps and how they�re a blemish on our perfect picture of society and that they�ll teach our kids bad things and they didn�t have traps when I was your age and whatnot, but I won�t. I�m just going to say this: Traps are a no-no. The scenery -- much like in the previous level, although the jungle/forest was intended to be wild, so maybe not -- seemed hastily slapped together. Castles, I assume, are from medieval times, and maybe it�s just me, but I�m pretty sure that there were no evil robots in days of yore. So there were robots, but also high-ish-tech panels on the wall, and eventually the scenery just got really boring from repetition. There�s also a section in the castle level wherein you must go underground and it�s sort of like Minecraft except it isn�t and idk how to describe it because it�s just weird. In any case, the tiles composing the levels were sloppily crafted and hard to look at. But somehow I managed, and progressed onward to the

Alien Planet Level

where you�re -- take a guess -- on an alien planet. I have no idea how you jumped from a jungle to a castle to outer space so quickly, but it must not be important to the story because Master isn�t telling us -- or maybe he doesn�t know himself. Either way, this was where the game started to get fun.

Say goodbye to the huge levels that no one liked anyway. Say goodbye to the stupid goddam traps and the stupid goddam lack of health. Say goodbye to the carelessly arranged powerups. In comes the new and improved Alien Planet.

Were there enemies in this level? Yes, indeed. But this time they could actually be killed normally, and there weren�t so many of them as to be in essence a Zerg Rush. There were weapons and more weapons and fun weapons and also a spaceship, and even if it still didn�t look that great, it was enjoyable. This level was the meat of the game . . . although it shares that spot with the

Volcano Level (although the level title is something about bacon?)

and you�re back on Earth. This level was even better than the previous one. More enemies, more powerups, and the addition of lava parkour -- because everyone loves lava parkour. The volcano level was pretty big, but nowhere near the vast expanse that was the Castle; in any event, I enjoyed exploring it. I got full armor and every weapon and I did lose a lot of health, but Master put cookies and medical kits to compensate. The volcano was beautiful.

And then, just as the level of quality in this game was at its peak,

it fell like a rock and crashed rock bottom.

In the next level, you pass every Truth you have collected (I should mention that along with each crystal was an inscription. Each were different, and they said things [I guess intended to be truthful] such as �Every day is a good day!� or �The best thing about cheetahs is that they are fast!� or �Who says Truths can�t be beneath lava!�) and next to each Truth, a giant graphic of a crystal. Then you enter a door and the level ends.

In the next level, I guess Master just ran out of creative juices. For lack of a better storyline, immediately after collecting all the Truths, you -- get this -- LOSE THEM ALL. I mean, seriously? So anyway, this level is like the castle level -- gigantic -- except it�s worse. It lags like hell and the lack of any checkpoints means that once you die, you have to trek back to your point of demise ALL THE WAY FROM THE BEGINNING, which, due to the size of the level, can take up to ten minutes. The first time I reached this level, I had every weapon imaginable and full armor upgrades and full lives and full health, and then a skeleton jumped on me and glitched me through the floor and I fell and was forced to kill myself. This resulted in me losing every single powerup I had collected.

The second time I reached this level, I got to a missing Truth behind a cave in, which as you probably know can only be destroyed by grenades. I threw a grenade at it, and the grenade exploded. The cave in, however, did not. This is a glitch that sometimes occurs, but I know enough about it to insure that this wasn�t a onetime thing: unless Master106 fixed it, that stupid pile of rocks would never be passable; and by extent, neither would the game. I only bring this up because, when asked about it, Master blatantly REFUSED to change it, making up some excuse about it taking too long or something. What�s the harm in just taking it out and replacing it with cinder blocks or something?

The third time I played this game, I went the other way at the first crossroads and thus did not encounter the Stubborn Cave In. Due to the lack of health (but plentiful supply of extra lives), I died pretty soon and, as I�ve already said, wasted about an hour getting back to where I was. This happened five or six times, and eventually I just gave up. No game should be that annoying.

Conclusion

If you have a couple hours to spare, play The Truths until you reach the level with twenty-four crystals, and then immediately exit the game. It will be at this point that The Truth will cease to be fun and become a monster.

Master, please don�t kill me.

--Meow