Layra Emails 2

By powerup123313 :: Sunday December 17th, 2017

 

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Layra Kitty 26 Nov to me "I don't want you to respond to this, I just need to say this to someone and you're really the only one I can. I'm probably the person you want to hear from the least right now, but I need to say this. When I was younger, something happened to me that made me lose my innocence earlier than most. I began seeing the world from a different angle, and while some people could be happy, I could not. I had a strange enjoyment in being sad, and that made me into a cynical, bitter person. I hated everyone. My grades dropped, my focus fell away from everything, and I couldn't feel anything. Then you came. This might sound weird to hear from someone my age, but it happened. You posted that topic and something snapped in me and I confessed my love to you. At the time, I wasn't even sure that I did. But the conversations we had made me feel something again. I finally loved someone, and that's hard to undo. The funny thing is, I didn't even know what you looked like. I didn't even know your name. And that's what was so beautiful about it. There is something more in a relationship when you don't have the barriers of appearances or voices, and all you have is words being sent across the world. We had something raw, something that isn't blocked by who we are on the outside. I'm a bitter person, but when we began our relationship, I could feel again. I loved you, and it was so great. The warmth of feeling a connection, a certain spark, made me whole again. I was terrible to you, and you still loved me. I don't know why. I lied to you about more than my age. I lied about being asked out and turning it down because I wanted you to trust me more. I lied about my old crush. There's still more than that. Who you talked to, who you trusted... It wasn't me. It was a better version of myself, one who felt empathy, love, happiness. Now I feel nothing but regret. I can't feel anything without you. I was able to forget about it for the most part until I told one of my friends about you. He didn't care. He shook it off as me being an idiot, and moved on to talk about some dumb bleep. Don't get me wrong, I like him, but there's a disconnect between me and most other people my age. Life is simpler for them, and that made me think about you. Now I can't think about anything but you. I can barely think because you run through my head every second of my life. I'm more broken than I've ever felt because I can't be with you anymore. My emotions have been stale, and I just can't live like this. I don't feel anything without you. All of those months I told myself I was doing for you, but I wasn't. I was doing it for me. I loved you, and without that, I couldn't love anyone else. Not my parents, not my brother, not even myself. I have nasty, evil thoughts running through my head every day and when they do I think of you. You were so perfect, so kind, so loving. When I said you helped me in my time of need, I didn't just mean when my parents where fighting. I meant when I didn't have you. Because you made me better. You made me different. And at this point, I don't need to have you to be happy. I just need to know you're okay. And that you're alive. I've always felt like I was different from others my age, but I'm not. I'm exactly the same, because I was immature enough to not know that you would never really love me. I could pass off as 16 if I really wanted to, and I know, because I've done it before. But that doesn't change my age. Lying about my age made me the same as everyone else my age. I can't do anything anymore. My life has become a whirlwind of regret, sorrow, and fear. Fear of knowing that I lost you. That you died. And in my own selfish way, I wanted to think that you'd be the same as me right now, but you're not. Because you don't need me. You are perfect the way you are and you don't need me in your life to reassure you of that. So you did move on, and you probably have already found love again, and I'm just a little kid with the mind of who knows what age. You never needed me. But I needed you. I never told you this, but I had tried to kill myself. I couldn't do it all. The guilt had gotten to me. Now, I don't even want to kill myself. Now, I just want my life to be someone else's. So I could love. So I could feel. So I could be more of a person, and not just a shell of a human being. That's what this is about. Not my death. But my moving on. I know I never truly will, but I have to one day. And that'll break me. It'll change me. I don't want to change, but I will. Because being this person will cause me to hurt myself and everyone who cares about me. I did that to you already, right? It's started, and it won't stop. And I'll never be able to stop it, because in a sick way, I enjoy it. I enjoy being broken. I enjoy this monster that I am because that's what I've turned into. I have turned into someone who enjoys pain and can never recover. You were perfect. But I wasn't." Rest of the convo is coming soon. It's funny.

 

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