Nightmare I

By pyman1 :: Wednesday January 16th, 2013

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It all started when our uber geek, Bill Brasky, woke up in a bush. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Bill Brasky punched a gerbil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her bed-friend, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Bill Brasky called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very unctuous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly assured her that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually indiscriminately turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only two days prior. It was a flamboyant little iPad... how could he resist? It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Leroy Jenkins panicked. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Bill Brasky took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least eleven minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if she took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be abundantly screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by seven funny-smelling marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he deftly reached for his wolverine and deftly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky. ----o0o---- As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so she knew she was running late. With a inept leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went wildly jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his time machine. Leroy Jenkins was exasperated but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins earnestly purred. With a deft push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish social outcast in a homemade car,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured her. Bill Brasky took a seat excruciatingly close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Leroy Jenkins noticed a oafish look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened her mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill Brasky aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view. Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been nine days. Ever so extemperaneously, Leroy Jenkins groped explosively in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little pestering, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make her way through the swamp behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt her love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from her injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with her iPad. But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Bill Brasky's iPad. Feeling concerned, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 200,000 South American hissing sloths running from a teensy pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Bill Brasky tripped with joy when she saw this. Her iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes her favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet malaria'). Bill Brasky was giddy. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few gun-toting Indonesian devil cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.